Two RAC-Related Articles from The Onion

[dencyguy]

At this point, it's meaningless, but I just found these recently. Thank goodness that Mangini is so lean and trim, so this kind of joke won't come up anymore:

 

Romeo Crennel Upset With Team's Offense And That Nestle Crunch Bars No Longer Come Wrapped In Foil

 

CLEVELAND—At his usual press conference Monday, Browns coach Romeo Crennel expressed disappointment in his offense's poor effort and inability to capitalize on a strong defensive game against the Colts as well as Nestle's decision to no longer package its signature Nestle Crunch bar in aluminum foil. "I have two priorities this week: getting Ken [Dorsey] comfortable and in control on the field, and finding a candy bar that doesn't create a distracting mess in your pocket because of its inferior wrapping," said Crennel, adding that the Crunch bar's foil used to make him feel as if he were eating the chocolate bar from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. "Dorsey's an outstanding player and we have to support him with quality play. And the Crunch is an outstanding and delicious treat, but it isn't supported by that cheap plastic wrapper. Krackels are good—I gave them out for Halloween this year—but I like Nestle chocolate better." Krennel explained it also is important for backup quarterback Brady Quinn to ice up his broken finger because he "likes it when the candy bars are cold."

 

And my personal favorite:

 

Romeo Crennel To Charlie Weis: 'I Need You To Come Over Right Now And Stop Me From Eating These Five Chocolate Wedding Cakes'

 

CLEVELAND—According to telephone transcripts and voicemail recordings, panicked Cleveland Browns head coach Romeo Crennel called former colleague, current Notre Dame coach, and Overeaters Anonymous sponsor Charlie Weis Tuesday, pleading for Weis to come to his house and stop him from eating five multi-tiered chocolate wedding cakes. "Charlie? Charlie, I... I have a fork in one hand a big jug of milk in the other. I've already eaten the mocha-hazelnut bride and groom figurines. Oh, God, Charlie," said Crennel, who went on to add that when he originally purchased the wedding cakes, he told himself he merely wanted "the comfort of knowing they were close by." "If you don't get here soon, all of it is going to be gone, and I'll have failed again... Oh. Oh, my, it's Dutch choc- [inaudible]." Upon arriving, Weis reportedly found Crennel lying on his kitchen floor in a pool of melted confectionery, deep in diabetic shock, with a rictus of mingled pleasure and self-disgust frozen on his chocolate-covered face.

 

Dennis

Although why would Weis be his sponsor? Oh, that wacky Onion with its flexible logic.