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Armored review

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Screen Gems

PG 13 88 min



OK shoppers. With the holiday gift giving wrapped up we’ve all come across this phenomenon. Lets say somebody really wants a Nintendo Wii. There’s the wrapped box right under the tree! Imagine the disappointment when it turns out to be some off brand game system that looks kinda like the Wii, but costs a lot less.

Well that’s the feeling I got watching ARMORED which seemed from the trailers to be a lot like the testosterone driven, action packed crime flicks put out by Quentin Tarantino or some other mad genius of moviedom. Well it wasn’t long before I felt like the kid expecting Abercrombie and Fitch and getting Fruit of the Loom.

There were, however, a few red flags that a veteran movie fan should pick up on.

First the reviews were a little hard to find which means there probably weren’t many really good ones.

Second it’s PG 13, which isn’t a deal breaker but if you wanna emulate the aforementioned director you’ll need a lot more F bombs than the censors will allow.

As a matter of fact the F bombs were mostly from the audiences as in “F this movie.”

Third is the fact that even though I really like Matt Dillon, Jen Reno, Laurence Fishburne and Fred Ward I have to admit that their last visit to the A list was many moons ago.

Returning war vet Ty (Columbus Short) lands a job with the close-knit band of super tough armored vehicle drivers. Apparently he’s accepted quickly into the hard-boiled bunch because right off the bat Dillon proposes he join them for the biggest armored car heist in company history.

Since the creditors and child welfare bureau are at the door, Ty reluctantly joins the posse and lends his hand to the shenanigans.

The plan seems to be going along when an innocent bystander gets shot and all hell breaks loose. Some of the team want to bail out immediately, some want to dig in even deeper, but everybody gets crazy and a series of forced action/suspense sequences unfolds, All this mayhem is set amidst a generic industrial squalor that will set up an ending that’s sure to make you roll your eyes.

ARMORED tries to make up for the PG 13 by being as gritty and sweaty and tough as it can be but in the end it’s no more than a poor mans RESERVOIR DOGS.

Destitute even.




Email: westsidesteve@aol.com

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