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Hilarious Onion Article


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CLEVELAND—In an effort to dispel uncertainty surrounding the quarterback position, Cleveland Browns head coach Mike Pettine confirmed Monday that the team is currently monitoring six players to rifle through in rapid succession next season. “The competition for that starting spot is wide open right now, so we plan on blowing through at least a half dozen options at quarterback during the course of the regular season,” said Pettine, adding that following training camp and preseason, the team will select a new play caller to be the face of the franchise, only to bench him in week five after a string of subpar performances. “As head coach, I just have to go with the guy who gives us the best chance to win. Then I’ll replace him with someone else when he doesn’t come through, and we’ll repeat that process over and over again until we finally land on some washed-up veteran who will finish out our final few meaningless games.” Pettine also told reporters that quarterback Brian Hoyer is making good progress in his recovery from a torn ACL last season, making him a prime candidate to be traded for a pick in the 2015 draft.

Here's one that I wrote...

CLEVELAND- The Cleveland Browns are going to go all-in at finding a Franchise Quarterback this upcoming 2014 NFL DRAFT. Sources close to Ray Farmer,the team's General Manager, have come forward stating inside information that Cleveland will draft four Quarterbacks next month, one in each of the first five rounds- excluding the 4th, where it's assumed that Pettine, will draft two kickers to battle it out for the starting spot. Incumbent starter Billy Cundiff appears to be one his way out after an interview with Pettine surfaced, in which Pettine said, "Yeah, I've been dealing with all the intricacies of the Head Coach pretty well, the only thing that bothers me is Billy Cundiff's face, I just want to punch him in his Peter-Pan looking "smuggy-mug". "Smuggy-mug"? That's a pink slip waiting to happen.


Cleveland already has Veteran Quarterbacks- Brian Hoyer and the Harlem Globetrotters cover performer Alex Tanney on the roster. Recently the Browns have been spotted talking to several college QBs and even QBs from the AFL/CFL leagues. Just last week Mike Pettine was seen talking to a local grocery bagboy using very serious football analogies. It's still lightly rumored that Pettine was actually the mastermind behind finding Kurt Werner at a Hy-Vee grocery store in Cedar Falls. Maybe lightning strikes twice?


The Browns have been linked to Bridgewater, Carr, Manziel and Bortles as well as McCarron and Boyd. There is another QB that they have been linked to as well, his last name starts with a G, but so far- every mock draft that has been posted on the internet in the last two months has the exact same guy going to their team in the third round, so don't be greedy Cleveland, isn't six Quarterbacks enough?

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yeah, already read enough negativity about the browns in a lifetime to even want to click that link.


Sing it brother

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Wasn't funny... and not saying that because I'm a Browns fan...


But at least it was short...



Welcome back TC...

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