Jupiter Ascending Review

[Westside Steve]

Jupiter Ascending

Warner Brothers

PG 13. 127 min

 

 

Hey everybody I really have no problem with little girls wanting to be heroes or princesses or Queens and marrying the handsome prince or the rugged swashbuckler. From Barbarella to Snow White to Katniss Everdeen and beyond there have been all sorts of feminine protagonists for our young ladies to emulate. That's good for womanhood and I've enjoyed many of these films. On top of that I think Mila Kunis was heartbreakingly cute on that 70s show.

So don't think that it's because of any malice towards women that I hated this movie as badly as anything this year.

Let me tell you that I selected this movie, not because it seemed like it might be good, but my other option was a little soft porn called 50 SHADES OF GRAY and I just couldn't force myself into the theater for that one. An X rated book tamed down to attract more teenage girls? I think not.

Anyway with great reluctance I decided to see JUPITER ASCENDING. Actually I'm a fan of Sean Bean who's one of the stars and another is Eddie Redmayne who might possibly win this year's Academy Award for Best Actor. Wow.

So since I've actually seen these actors turn in quality performances I suppose the blame goes to the directors, the husband and wife team called the Wachowskis.

Well these guys have succeeded in taking a bad plot and making it even worse by extracting probably the worst performances these actors have lent their names to in a good long while. Jupiter (Kunis) is the daughter of a murdered Russian astronomer who now lives with her mother and family in Chicago and is employed as a cleaner of toilets. Well one day a ridiculous conglomerate of space goons, having decided she is the heir to some outer space Kingdom, or queendom, sets out to kidnap her to fulfill and even more ridiculous and sinister plot.

Apparently there are also some good guys who have sent an emissary known as a hunter (Channing Tatum who I specifically didn't include with the list of actors who have done good work) who looks a little bit like A SONS OF ANARCHY extra but with pointed ears. It seems that he and Sean Bean were partners at one time but are now at odds with each other probably due to something about one or both getting kicked out of the hunter's Union and having their wings cut off. Yes I said wings. Do you think Jupiter and the hunter will hook up? Do you think the evil Prince will get his just desserts? Do you think the universe will be saved? Do you think Jupiter will eventually go back to cleaning toilets? Well, friends, that's for you to find out but here's a heads up... Before you find any of that out you will sit through many long and boring aerial battles and space gun fights and bad dialogue.

Actually though pointless and boring, the special effects are pretty damn good but who cares? The acting plot and script are so horrible I was wishing one of those fancy space guns would shoot the projector.

Keanu Reeves or poly sure couldn't have made it any worse.

 

F+

WSS