Krampus review

[Westside Steve]

Krampus

 

Universal

 

Pg-13. 98 min

 

 

 

So have you guys ever heard of a Christmas season demon named Krampus? I know I have not but I'm guessing that nobody in their right mind would bother with a fictitious character in a modern movie and name him something as stupid as Krampus for God sake.

 

Right off the bat it invokes visions of bowel discomfort possibly caused by eating spoiled fruit cake.

 

I did a tiny bit of research and according to one site old Krampus is the son of Loki, the antagonist of the Norse gods, and is the demon of the Yule. I realize Loki is looked on as a pretty bad guy and if he did indeed give his only son such a ridiculous name... Well you know.

 

I'm sure you've read enough of my crap to know my opinion of dysfunctional family Christmas films and demon movies right? These are two genres which have better than average chance of sucking, and not just regular sucking; I'm talking sucking out loud.

 

So when you combine the two in one film, Katy bar the door!

 

KRAMPUS begins as the dysfunctional family holiday film. As a matter of fact it's almost a rip off of the COOPERS from last issue except lacking the stellar cast and any attempt toward an intelligent script. We have the prerequisite characters, including a nebbish father and bored mother who are questioning their relationship, a nerdy but earnest little kid, a horny teenage daughter, a loudmouth uncle and his stupid wife, a drunken and bitching aunt, two unpleasant cousins (made even more distasteful by the fact that one is a Michigan fan and the other a Steelers fan) and the ubiquitous family dog for the beaten to death comic relief of eating unwanted crap from the guests plates.

 

Finally there is a European, or Scandinavian or something grandmother who seems to have some kind of knowledge of the creature from Yuletide lore.

 

About the time I was sufficiently bored by watching these assholes annoy each other the film makes a dramatic shift of gears to a completely different but equally stupid horror film.

 

Apparently when the nerd kid loses his faith in Santa Claus it turns out to be just the impetus needed for the demon to wreak havoc on the entire neighborhood and especially this house!

 

So if anyone in the audience was breathing a sigh of relief that the first portion of the show was over and hoping for some sort of improvement, they were disappointed just like finding a turd at the bottom of the Christmas stocking.

 

It turns out that the family has to band together to fight against nasty old Krampus and his underlings. Actually I'm not sure if Krampus himself is the monster that tunnels under the snow and drags his unlucky prey down into the abyss or if he's the slime monster that inhabits the giant snake with the antique clown head. Maybe is the spirit that animates all the Christmas toys, like the nutcracker soldiers and the gingerbread men, or even the giant ghastly Santa Claus goon, but who cares? It really is among the cheesiest examples of special effects I've ever had the displeasure to watch. This would be the result if you gave a dozen monkeys a tub of paper mache and spiked their bananas with LSD.

 

And then, wait for it, the big climax which I will not give away for the mere reason that should you choose to go you can be as dumbfounded by its sheer stupidity as I was. It's not frightening, not funny, not exciting and lacks even the tiniest smidgen of artistic integrity.

 

This movie is a true pile of reindeer poop.

 

 

F

WSS

[miktoxic]

i borrowed this from a friend and got 5 mins into after the opening title and stopped it.

 

anybody on this board could write and direct better than the schmo that tried it there.

 

sucked azz.